


If a zombie bit you...

by Tania_me



Category: Samurai Love Ballad: PARTY, 天下統一恋の乱 | Sakura Amidst Chaos | Samurai Love Ballad (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, zombie apocalypse planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 10:50:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12629367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tania_me/pseuds/Tania_me
Summary: From a Tumblr prompt: "If a zombie bit you, I'd be heartbroken, but I'd also shoot you twice in the head."





	If a zombie bit you...

“Have you ever noticed how both the landscape and the women are always super groomed in apocalypse movies?” I said to Saizo, swinging his hand as we walked out of the movie theatre, his palm warm against mine. “I always imagine there’s an alien or a zombie or a whatever caused the apocalypse that died on one of those ride-on mowers and they’re just endlessly mowing the lawns as they search for their next victim and that these women happened upon some paranoid survivalist’s stash of a lifetime supply of razors.”

Saizo glanced over at me, a look of indulgent amusement on his face. “I think most survivalists focus on food, little lady.”

“Okay, sure, realistically that’s true,” I replied, “But these women have to be finding these razors somewhere, right? So in Cinemanland, someone must have decided that she or he did not want to be unkempt in the post apocalyptic wasteland and stashed a whole bunch of shaving products away, because priorities.”

“I think the idea behind it is that the general public would be surprised to see a woman with hairy legs or armpits and it would break their immersion.”

“Okay, but the general public is pretty dumb. Because what I think when a group of people have been on the run for days, barely sleeping, and a woman lifts her arm and it’s perfectly smooth is ‘when the hell did she find time to stop and shave her pits when they’ve barely slept?’ Now that breaks immersion.”

Saizo gives me what I’ve dubbed The Look, because it’s the same one he always gives me when I go off on one of my tangents – a mix of exasperation, amusement, and adoration. Occasionally Sasuke and Yukimura get a taste of it, but it’s mostly mine. “Most people just watch and enjoy the story without trying to overanalyze the characters’ grooming habits.”

“Yeah, well, most people would also be the first to die in a zombie apocalypse because they’d take the extra time to pack their razor,” I replied, gently bumping my shoulder into his chidingly. “Speaking of, what’s your game plan in the event of a zombie apocalypse?”

“My game plan?” he echoed, bemused.

“Yes. You know, who’s the first person you’d tell, what’s the first thing you’d do, what would you do if I got bit, et cetera.”

“I can’t say it’s something I’ve ever thought about. What are your plans, then?”

“I would tell my family, make sure they know to get their stuff together and arrange a meeting place before cell service went down. I’d make sure I had something to use as a weapon – you know, a shovel or something. I’ve fill as many containers with water as I could and grab all the camping gear and shove it into my car,” I said, listing off my zombie survival plan.

“And what would you do if I got bit?” he asked.

“Oh, you wouldn’t, though, a zombie would never be able to catch you. Not even the fast ones,” I replied breezily. “I’d just make sure you knew where to find everyone for our survival gang.”

“Now, now, little lady, we both know nothing’s for sure in these zombie movies,” he said. “What would you do if I got bit?”

“Well… if you must know, if a zombie bit you I’d be heartbroken.” He smiled and bent down to give me a kiss, so I continued, a cheeky grin on my face, “But I’d also shoot you twice in the head.”

He stopped with his face inches from mine, looking into my eyes, his wider than usual. You weren’t expecting that, I thought smugly.

“Very practical of you,” he said, one side of his lips quirking up in a smile.

“Imagine you as a zombie, though!” I exclaimed, leaning up to pressed a quick kiss to the side quirked up side of his lips. “You’d be unstoppable. I’d have to do it to ensure the survival of everyone else. And you know Yukimura would never be able to.”

He chuckled at that. “You’re right, the little lord would probably wrap me up in chains and drag me around hoping to find a cure, but I would inevitably break out and devastate the group.”

I nodded in agreement. “See, this is why it’s important to have a plan.”


End file.
